Most of you know I was recently wed! I can't be happier.
You know it wasn't always peaches and cream though! We had a rough ride the first year. We were completely opposite. While "they" say opposites attract, "they" forget to mention it's a roller coaster ride most of the time.
When you have two individuals that seem to be completely opposite there is going to be confusion, chaos, bumps in the road and lots of frustration. Trust me I learned this first hand.
So what do you do? You don't give up! At least not right away, not if you want to make the relationship work. Although, you have to want the relationship you have in order to make it work. So first you need make that decision. If you decide the relationship is worth working at, then you take action.
The dreaded C word is coming............ COUNSELING. Yes. When you work with someone who can give you the proper tools to use and you truly want to work it out -- You Can! We did!
Who’dda thunk that right before our one year (dating) anniversary we would be sitting in counseling. We couldn't even agree what to do to celebrate. Our current communication at the time was like taking a bat and hitting it again and again on the wall and still not making any dents on either the wall or the bat. So we went to someone who could help us communicate better.
It worked too. We were so pissed off after every visit with our counselor that she did most of the talking that we communicated about how neither of us felt like we got to say what we wanted. True story! Our counselor did do most of the talking during our sessions.
Reflecting back now, I think the reason she did most of the talking is because all we did was argue, disagree and be pissy during the sessions. She had to play mediator a lot. Whatever it is she did for us, whatever it was that she said to us, all the tools she gave to us really worked.
It took time for us to implement effectively the communication tools we were given. When we got the hang of it, things got smoother. Over the years our ability to communicate has grown stronger. We have reduced fighting every day (when we were in counseling) to fighting monthly to where we are now which is fighting annually. Sometimes I think we fight annually not because we are mad at each other, but that it is physically good to do some screaming sometimes.
You're probably wondering what all those wonderful tools were that we learned. I'll tell you the one that's the most important tool of all LISTENING. We all believe we listen to what others say, but we don't. When we are dead set on what we want to hear, or we believe so strongly about something or we simply just don't care we turn our listening ability to mute!
One way in a relationship to determine if you are truly listening to each other, is to have your spouse repeat back to you, what you just said. That sounds like a mouth full in itself. Let's look at it this way. You tell your husband, "You can't make dinner right now, because you are in the middle of a phone conversation with your Childs teacher, but you'll start it shortly." He gets mad. So you ask him later on to repeat back what he thinks you said to him. So he says "you told me that your phone call was more important than my dinner." See sometimes we don't listen to what was actually said. This exercise goes both way ladies. There is never just one person who is having a problem communicating. More than likely both people in the relationship are NOT LISTENING! You can try this repeat back method and if you truly want to resolve your communication issues it will be effective after time.
The repeat back method is just one tool that can be used in learning how to communicate effectively. In counseling you'll find that there are many different types of methods that can be applied that might help you. Every couple is different. Therefore, finding the right tool for your relationship might take trial and error. I highly recommend seeking counseling to help you find the right tool for your relationship.
You know it wasn't always peaches and cream though! We had a rough ride the first year. We were completely opposite. While "they" say opposites attract, "they" forget to mention it's a roller coaster ride most of the time.
When you have two individuals that seem to be completely opposite there is going to be confusion, chaos, bumps in the road and lots of frustration. Trust me I learned this first hand.
So what do you do? You don't give up! At least not right away, not if you want to make the relationship work. Although, you have to want the relationship you have in order to make it work. So first you need make that decision. If you decide the relationship is worth working at, then you take action.
The dreaded C word is coming............ COUNSELING. Yes. When you work with someone who can give you the proper tools to use and you truly want to work it out -- You Can! We did!
Who’dda thunk that right before our one year (dating) anniversary we would be sitting in counseling. We couldn't even agree what to do to celebrate. Our current communication at the time was like taking a bat and hitting it again and again on the wall and still not making any dents on either the wall or the bat. So we went to someone who could help us communicate better.
It worked too. We were so pissed off after every visit with our counselor that she did most of the talking that we communicated about how neither of us felt like we got to say what we wanted. True story! Our counselor did do most of the talking during our sessions.
Reflecting back now, I think the reason she did most of the talking is because all we did was argue, disagree and be pissy during the sessions. She had to play mediator a lot. Whatever it is she did for us, whatever it was that she said to us, all the tools she gave to us really worked.
It took time for us to implement effectively the communication tools we were given. When we got the hang of it, things got smoother. Over the years our ability to communicate has grown stronger. We have reduced fighting every day (when we were in counseling) to fighting monthly to where we are now which is fighting annually. Sometimes I think we fight annually not because we are mad at each other, but that it is physically good to do some screaming sometimes.
You're probably wondering what all those wonderful tools were that we learned. I'll tell you the one that's the most important tool of all LISTENING. We all believe we listen to what others say, but we don't. When we are dead set on what we want to hear, or we believe so strongly about something or we simply just don't care we turn our listening ability to mute!
One way in a relationship to determine if you are truly listening to each other, is to have your spouse repeat back to you, what you just said. That sounds like a mouth full in itself. Let's look at it this way. You tell your husband, "You can't make dinner right now, because you are in the middle of a phone conversation with your Childs teacher, but you'll start it shortly." He gets mad. So you ask him later on to repeat back what he thinks you said to him. So he says "you told me that your phone call was more important than my dinner." See sometimes we don't listen to what was actually said. This exercise goes both way ladies. There is never just one person who is having a problem communicating. More than likely both people in the relationship are NOT LISTENING! You can try this repeat back method and if you truly want to resolve your communication issues it will be effective after time.
The repeat back method is just one tool that can be used in learning how to communicate effectively. In counseling you'll find that there are many different types of methods that can be applied that might help you. Every couple is different. Therefore, finding the right tool for your relationship might take trial and error. I highly recommend seeking counseling to help you find the right tool for your relationship.
In case you’re wondering, while we might be newlyweds, we have been together for eight years now! I wish each and every one of you the happy strong relationship that I have! It can be yours too.
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